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[20 Jun 2005|07:08pm] |
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i'm really bored. like really bored. nikki is sleeping, kristie went to work, and mike n ed went to imperial. baby is writing on the floor. i'm bored. um i have nthing to say. good bye
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[23 Nov 2004|10:45am] |
one more day till mommys house. talked to shannon a whole bunch last night. talked to nikki and kristie. need to call tuohey. love her. oh congrats to tuohey and adam they r gonna have a baby. yeah.
at stupid class today. boring. i made a resume today. i'm sick i think i have bronchitis. one of the grrrls here had it and i'm sick so yup. whatever. hopefully going shopping today. liz sed we were gonna get the kids pictures done today.
john klein is the coolest kid ever. that was the funniest story. haaaaaaaaaa. remind me to hug him. stupid ass. but anyways, it goes like this. someone john don't like, hasn't liked since i went out w/ them, went to johns house and tried to get him to hang out n jam w/ him. well johns not a mean guy so he's not gonna be like "no fuck u go away" so this "person" was telling john how he has a job and his own apt. and he's in a band and blah blah blah, and according to john, he was just like "oh ok" "well i'm about to leave so bye" and then the "person" was like "oh u should come play w/ us sometime" and john sed "oh well i don't really play anymore" which was a complete lie. funny huh? well it don't seem so funny to u but it's funny to me. loser. now of course this is only one side of the story, but i know john and its prolly damn close to truth. so i laughed and i'll keep on laughing how can u be so stupid. i mean he has to know john don't like him. not even because of me but because he was so stupid when john did like him that john got fed up w/ him and never talked to him again. so why now a year later did he think john would be his friend. i wonder if john still hates cliff too? hmmmmmmmm
but anyways, can't wait to see my friends. made the mistake last month of not telling anyone except kris n nik that i was coming so i didn't get to see anyone. but not this time. i'm doing better and i lost weight and look better and i'm going to show it off.
CHEVELLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. WORD. I think chevelle might mean more to me than nirvana and hole. i've become obsessed w/ them. i switched the ringer on my phone from "where did u sleep last night" to "the red" becuz i love chevelle. they r fucking amazing. loooooooooove.
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[23 Nov 2004|10:44am] |
You Are Cinderella!
 Dignified and hard working. With a gentle and soft-spoken manner you have something many people don't. Patience. Even through the moments of heartbreak you're still able to hold onto all of your hopes and dreams. Bide your time; you're dream will come true. Which Disney Princess Are You?
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[20 Nov 2004|03:47pm] |
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silence. |
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i'm at my pops house. i had to make invites to babys party. baby made my pop sad cuz he wanted to hold him and he started screaming cuz he's got another tooth coming in so he's really cranky and stuff. so pop was sad. but i made invites. blues clues word up. bri's favourite. hmmm the past week has been boring. i'm going to my moms for thanksgiving. maybe this time kristie will come visit me. bitch. i love nicole dimarco. shes awesome and great and i love her. oh i made the greatest fucking cheesecake last night. i've been baking alot for sheer boredom and i shit u not this is the best cheesecake i've ever eaten. it's really good. i think i may make some white chocolate chip cookies tomorrow. today is busy. oh remind me to call my doctor. i'm on happy pills now. did i tell u. well i am. thats why nothing bothers me anymore. i'm happy. i was fine and thought i didn't need them but then some shit went down and i realized i kinda did. so um. verasusthecube.com. god damn my son will be one in 3 fucking weeks. 3 weeks! he's such a charmer. he's walking real good now. and talking good. he picks up the rubber duckies mare has n sez "duckie, quack quack" its so funny. still calls everyone aunt lizzie. oh and he sez "cookie" really good. little pork chop that he is. well nothing really going on. my life is my son and that how i like it. hi kel! bye kel! call me. -jacqueline michelle theresa mcknight
p.s. i fucking love chevelle.<<<<<<<<<<<<333333333333333
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[15 Nov 2004|11:55am] |
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yo. i like rto type it is fun. nothing going on. baby will be one soon. big party. wanna come? ok come on. i need to get invitations. life is good. still looking for a job. baby can walk n almost talk n he eats big ppl food. and hes fat. no hes not but still. ok well nothing going on here. my bros band played a show last night and it was a battle of the bands thing and they didn't win. some pop/punk band from lancaster did. whatever. other than that nothing new. need to go catch the bus to go home. bye.
oh yeah ~ kamryn alexis ratchford was born on sept. 28th (my cuzins baby) love her.
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| felt the need to update again. |
[03 Oct 2004|02:03pm] |
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apc ~ brena |
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soooo. i dyed my hair. its not blonde anymore. it was brown then i dyed it dark red. the problem w/ red hair dye is it washes out so the color is really faded. so i need to get that 100% color shit so it sticks. i like it this color and greg likes it better than the brown. so i think i'll stick w/ this color until my hair gets healthy again.
i finally get my stereo back today. yep. so now i can listen to music really loud cuz my sisters stereo isn't that loud.
i found out on the way up here that my favourite apc song is a fucking cover. a fucking cover song. the nurse who loved me. it's a fucking coverrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i'm disappointed. but the original is really good. my brother was playing a cd, and all the sudden " say hello....." its by a band called failure. i think thats it. but its almost identical to the apc version except the tempo is a little faster. but it's still my favourite song even tho i haven't heard it in forever.
so. my neice is really funny. she breaks out the "old macdonald" at random points in time. like right now. my sister isn't here cuz her n my mom don't talk anymore cuz my mom is a bitch and she calls like every hour to talk to mary and she misses her so much. i'd be the same way if bri wasn't here.
versusthecube.com
call up the fucking radio station and say u want to hear versus the cube. wysp. call them. 610 263 rock. do it u won't.
oh this really funny thing happened last night. this guy sends me a message on myspace.com and he's like "don't be mad but i think ur hott and i wanna see whats up w/ u n me" shit like that. but here's the funny part, it was my sisters ex boyfriend. yes it was. mike h. they call him hobo. my brother beat the shit out of him once cuz he hit my sister. funny. so i told him this stuff and he was like "oh ok well i live out in cali. anyway. i'm in the military" haaaaaaaa salty mother fucker. so i told my sister and she laughed. and i told greg and he thought it was funny. and now i'm telling u. funny huh? i thought so.
my kid shit. i need to go change him cuz noone else will. oh how i love being a single mother. i'm gonna go call gregory. he's funny. after i get this shit off my baby boy. i love him. <<<<<<33333333
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[27 Jul 2004|02:09am] |
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sooooo what went down today. nothing. i sat around. my sister called to see when we were coming down. we're going down tomorrow night till thursday. so basically i'm moving tomorrow. but i'll be here packing fri. n sat. then out again sun. kristie sed she'd get me some boxes. so hopefully she does or else i'm trash bagging it to jersey. i'm taking my clothes down tomorrow. except of course shit i'd need. i don't have a way of getting baby's shit down there yet cuz i have no boxes. if i have room i'll put his blankets and shit he don't need in w/ my stuff.
kristie n nikki came by for like a half hour today. i left my pics at jmk's (<3) so she brought them here for me. and yay! she surprised me w/ sing the sorrow. she burnt it while she was there. i love her so much. so thats one less cd i need to burn.
al~ i was gonna call u to make sure u were ok but then i got online n saw that u were home so i didn't. call me tomorrow. n what happened to getting rid of the phone? u got attatched didn't u? i knew u would. <3 u.
need to go make a list of shit i need b4 i go to the shore sunday. yup.
fuck u.
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| so good to see u, i missed u so much......... |
[25 Jul 2004|01:59pm] |
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tool - push it (live) |
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the coolest/weirdest thing just happened. baby was being really mean. and he's not due for a nap for another hour. but........ i'm listening to music. and i put on third eye (live) by tool. and he just laid down and went to sleep right when maynard started singing. i guess its from when we used to listen to tool everynight to go to sleep. like b4 i knew i was pregnant. and even after. and i would always make "him" put on this song cuz i love the first line "dreaming of that face again, it's bright and blue and shimmering" just the way maynard sings it, with such passion and meaning. it's nice. but yeah as soon as that line came on (there's a 2 minute intro) baby laid down n fell asleep. he was in the fetal possition holding his blankie but he's not anymore. he's on his back like jesus on the cross. he's weird.
anyways. alley hung up on me last night cuz she don't know how to use a phone. bitch. she does it on purpose cuz she's a meanie head. <3. we r friends and that will never change...... EVER. no matter what certain ppl say and do. "love will keep us together" (i'm loser)
my sister better bring me home some cheesecake. speaking of cheesecake. i need to call kristie n nikki. still need to go to jmk's (<3) house. bored. getting offline now. peace.
<3,jak-e
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[24 Jul 2004|11:03pm] |
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drawing my own conclusions |
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i'm about to put on some versus the cube. |
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i'm quite bored. my cuzin came over today. so we visited for a bit. an asshole called me like i would tell him anything. i went to walmart n my mom bought me a new bra n undies n i actually got a purse. yes i have a purse. i have't carried a purse in yrs. so, i came home. talked to kristie<3 but she was at a family thing. talked to kelli<3 for a lil. i want to fucking go out. my sister isn't home and i have no reason to be. but i have no friends. in 1 hr. it will be 7 days till moving day! i might go down b4 that cuz my mom is on vacation. but i'm moving my shit sunday. baby's gammy may be coming over monday. if she remembered. i dunno. i'm not gonna make an effort w/ her like i did w/ dina cuz she lives 10 minutes away. whatever long story. anyways. thats about it. <3 u.
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[23 Jul 2004|09:43pm] |
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royally fucked |
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vanilla ice doing kareoke. |
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i've been tryna get ahold of kristie all day. whatever. i'm home by myself. well my sisters here but my mom is not. i need company. i wish i had friends. so...... someone call me at anytime tonight. i'm here. kelli i need to talk to u. call me. boooooored.
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| moving in 9 days. |
[23 Jul 2004|12:41am] |
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i went to cat's tonight. mom watched baby. had fun. drank apple martinis. found out some shit that i need to discuss. don't know what to believe. talked alot about some stuff. cleared my head a little. went to wendy's n got some chili. somehow i paid 3 dollars for a small chili. ????? um i'm drunk right now. i did nothing today other than that. i have nothing else to say. i'm really pissed and really need to speak to alley. whatever good bye u fuckers.
oh i talk to my sister and brother today too. i love my neice. talked to deb too. for someone who doesn't like me she sure likes to tell me an awful lot. oh well i'm typing pretty good for drunk person. i smoked to many cigarettes today. hi kelli!
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[22 Jul 2004|01:09am] |
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fuck u |
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i cried alot today. ALOT. i need to go talk to aunt gina. (jmk's mom) what do u say to a child who wants to know about his father? how am i supposed to explain that his father refused to grow up and never wanted to see him? i know i'm far from that time but i need to know how to handle it. i need to know now. i cry about this alot. why did this have to happen to me? i don't for one second regret having my son. what i do regret is having no options. it runs thru my head what he wrote b-4 about how could i not know. and it hurts. becuz i didn't know. i had no clue. none at all. not till that day he kicked kristie did i even suspect. i was not expecting them to tell me i was 5 mos pregnant. if only it was one month b-4 that. i had the money for the abortion. but i couldn't get one. it was too late. so i'm sure ur now saying what an ass hole how can u not kno u were 5 mos pregnant. much like he sed last week. well i'll tell u how i did not know. i lived my life not caring about anything. i had to worry about how i would eat i had no time to worry about pregnancy. when i started having sex, i never got a regular period. it may have been b-4 that but i think it started when i started having sex. so i always skipped a period and never thought a thing about it. i was told i was taken off my mothers insurance so gyno visits and birth control were not options. (i found out after i was preg. that they never took me off) he always told me he was sterile. that never once did his ex have a pregnancy scare (i found out that too was a lie after i was pregnant) and i think we truely believed he was. or maybe we were just stupid. i just didn't care. it was fun and i didn't care. WE didn't care. he could've sed hey when's the last time u got ur period, he could've sed u need to go buy a pregnancy test. but no he didn't. this was NOT all my fault. he didn't care just as much as i didn't care. so by the time i found out it was too late. HE TOLD ME HE WANTED TO KEEP IT ANYWAY. he made me believe everything would be ok. SO WHY NOW AM I STUCK ALONE? RAISING HIS SON. ALONE. SO WHAT DO I SAY WHEN MY SON WANTS TO KNOW WHY HIS FATHER NEVER CAME TO VISIT? WHAT DO I SAY WHEN HE LASHES OUT BECUZ HE NEVER HAD A MAN IN HIS LIFE? WHAT DO I SAY WHEN ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE HANDING OUT FATHERS DAY CARDS AND HE JUST STANDS THERE AND STARES? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? i think about this everyday. i think and i cry. i look into those eyes and wonder who could possibly not want him? what did this innocent child do to deserve this life that he's been given? so i know i'll try my best to give him the world. but will it be enough? will he be ok? will we be ok?
so i know he told me not to write about our past. does this qualify into that category? i don't really care anymore. this is MY head. these r MY thoughts. this is MY life. i don't want to stay strong anymore. i just want to break down and say everything that i think about. but i can't becuz noone knows what its like. i need my sister.
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[21 Jul 2004|01:40pm] |
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alicia keys. |
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yes i'm a bitch. yes i know this. i'm sorry. i'm trying to sign on to say that to u. so yes i'm sorry.
hopefully going to johns today. kristie didn't go yesterday. need cd's. did nothing yesterday. life sux nothing new. whatever.
i'm fucking pissed off. fuck u. u won't have a fucking cell phone when i take all ur money. haaaaa had to get that out. so reply now call me names whatever.
moving day- 11 days away.
oh my god so i'm checking my email. and i scroll down n see "sean fogel" no fucking way. apparently he wants to be on my friends at my space. my heart sank. literally. this kid was "it" for me. years ago of course. then he went off to college and we never talked. he was my best friend. he was what i judged every guy even after that on. he was just so fucking awesome. so hopefully we'll talk b-4 i leave. dunno.
baby is being exceptionally cute. hes funny.
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[20 Jul 2004|01:39am] |
so for most of the day i did nothing. i talked to kristie. hopefully tomorrow we're going back to jmk's (yum) to finish burning cd's. i really need to get them done. since i lost all my good cd's. well not lost, someone just refuses to give them back then they magically turn up broken. or they get thrown out windows. whatever it'll just add on to the rest of the money he owes me.
so i told my mom today that i was leaving on the first. i planned on telling her in a normal civilized manor but she makes me insane and yell things. so yeah shes a bitch and i hate her. same as always. she sed some rotten things and so did i. she got me so worked up i took a xannie i got from a friend just to calm down. i think i may need to purchase some just to get thru the next 2 wks. or i might die cuz i know now that she knows i'm leaving she'll either be a royal cunt or be sweet as hell. we'll see how it goes. hopefully the later so she buys me stuff. i can't spend any more money. i must not. i need to get shit for baby b4 i go down the shore so i have it. i get my wic on the 26th so formula n juice n cereal is covered but i need to get a case of diapers n wipes n cigs b4 i go. i'll write a list of what i need.
i have to begin searching for boxes tomorrow. i think i'll get kristie to take me to hunt some down so if anyone has random packing boxes i need them. so countdown till moving day- 13 days.
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| i actually had fun! |
[18 Jul 2004|09:33pm] |
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some shit on tv on like channel 3. it sux |
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so last night we went all around. went up to sears on 69th street to get baby's pictures but they weren't there. i realize on the way home, they were at the one in granite run. i'm such a fucking asshole. but we all looked around in sears and i'm so picky of course i liked nothing. the one shirt i liked was too see-thru.
so we stopped by cats house. they just moved in. and shes never seen baby so we chilled for a half then they had to go food shopping. so we went back to my house to feed baby n try to convince my mom to watch baby. oooo this parts good. th rreason she sed no was cuz she "wanted to relax, she was tired" but when we left she was sitting outside holding a beer w/ the neighbor and he new coke head b/f. yeah relaxing my ass. so we're leaving and she's like "oh ur taking him w/ u?" i'm like "uh do i have a fucking choice?" n she just smirks. bitch cunt. so b4 we left nikki turns around n goes "have fun relaxing" cuz shes a bitch. and kristie rubs it in by laughing-loud. so we went back to cats. got baby to bed n drank-alot. good times. we sat around n bullshitted for hours. fun. then we went to kristies n went to bed. (kristie was not drunk, never would i drive w/ my kid n anyone if they were drunk.)
so today-
wokre up n kristies dad made us breakfast. we sat n chilled at kristies for a while nikki was at work so we went back to my place to feed baby n change n such. chilled for maybe an hour. smoked a bowl when baby went to sleep. talked online to kelli but she had a bad day. then when nikki was done work we went to pick her up and went to best buy. i wanted to buy afi and aenima. but decided to just buy a pack of blanks n burn the shits. it would be much cheaper n i get more cd's! so kristie called john klein {yum} to see if it was cool n he sed yes so we then headed over there. sat and tried to d/l all the cds i wanted but of course some songs we couldn't find. john refuses to hold my baby. i told him i will break him of that. but i did manage to convince him to shake his hand. cuz hes fucking hot as hell. oh and whoever had sing the sorrow sucks cuz they just suck. kazaa sucks. so we got most of aenima. noone has hooker w/ a penis. fuckers. and we got most of lateralus. like more than half. some of salival. and some of sing the sorrow. so we went up to jmk's room, smoked a bowl w/ jerry n pel. jerry tried to persuede me to hit the bong but i'm scared so i didn't. so then we went back down stairs, tried to get more songs but like i sed kazaa suck. so then john's bro wanted to get on puter so we gave up n sed we'll try again tomorrow. then we left. i came home fed baby, ate some steak like only i can make it. and now i'm here. talking to alley n kelli cuz i love them. so i have had a awesome two days. and i hope we go back to johns tomorrow. i really want cds.
thats all. much love homies. -j
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[17 Jul 2004|01:45am] |
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my head hurts |
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still refuse to turn on tv. |
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i hate being here. i really do. my moms over this loser guys house who was up for 3 days on a coke binge. its sad when u need a man in ur life that u'll settle for trash like that. whatever. i hope she jumps back into old habits and loses everything. i would never wish death on her cuz well, she is my mom.
i decided to call my dad this sunday to ask if he can come up to move me down the shore. he has off on sundays so i can sit and talk to him when noone is here. so i'm gonna tell him a.s.a.p which means i'll be outta here either next sunday or on the first. i can't wait.
my fucking cuzin calls at 12 today to say shes coming up n i reminded her to bring up my stroller but she never showed. no call nothing. whatever. i might as well leave it down there but i can't do a damn thing w/out it cuz i have a kid n all.
the most fucked up thing happened tonight. my sis was watching a stupid movie then it came on again right after n she sed she was watching it again. i thought my mom was coming back so i was like ok i'll just tell her when she comes in but she stayed out side (shes a hypocrite, no time to explain) so my sis got up n went outside so i changed the channel n she came back n threw a fit, started changing the channel n shit so i got up n was pushing her arm off the tv and she hit me like 3 times so i punched her back. so she started kicking me, so i was like "kick me again n i'll kick u in the head" n she yelled something, got up started crying n went to tattle. so my mom comes in yells at ME when i did nothing, my sis sed i kicked her n i didn't, i shoulda. so my mom tells me to turn off the tv n find something else to do. now mind u i don't have a room so i had nothing to do but sit and stare. so i did that for like 2 hrs. baby was sleeping. then i got on puter.
that is just a piece of the bullshit i have to deal w/. the other day my mom tells me i look like i gained weight. who fucking sez that to their daughter whom they know is very self concious? shes an ass. she does that kinda shit all the time. i really don't like her and i can't wait to get outta here.
oh another thing, i told my mom yesterday i need to go get baby food. so today she does her errands, which was like 2, then she sits outside all day. so i go down at 7:30 and ask her to take me to go get baby food and shes like :huff/sigh: yeah i guess. what the fuck is that? so i'm like i told u yesterday and u sat out here, and u get huffy w/ me? what the fuck would u like me to do?
i know this seems like stupid bullshit to some but i deal w/ simple shit like this 24/7. i do nothing right and she does nothing wrong. it never ends and it drives me crazy. it's been this way since we moved here what 7 yrs ago. shes gotten worse since i moved back tho. its hard to put it into words or give examples that don't seem stupid. but i try to do things right and nothing i do is good enough. i need out. thank god for my sister. i'd be lost w/out her.
ok thats all enjoy.
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[17 Jul 2004|12:58am] |
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i had things to write about but my head is foggy. i guess i'll just not update.
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[14 Jul 2004|07:34pm] |
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i got bored. and i am obsessed w/ her so blah.
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[14 Jul 2004|01:40pm] |
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my fucking thing isn't working |
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( stolen. )
life sucks. i hate crying.
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